Saturday, October 28, 2006

Monkey Problems

Because I am a teacher, I am prone to having discussions about my students with other teachers (purely for professional reasons I assure you). Just this last week, I was discussing a student who is having a hard time with the whole ‘I am now a teen and need to bath regularly’ issue with a fellow teacher who is probably as close to a political and religious opposite to me as they come. She commented on how maybe our ‘early’ ancestors might not have bathed regularly but we certainly do. Of course I simply replied with the comment that my ancestors did bathe, whereas she referred to the whole caveman thing and I said she was nuts (playful banter I assure you). It did; however, get me to thinking: this whole evolution argument could have its advantages. I mean what other philosophy will give humanity the excuse to act like an animal with no consequences?

Not too long ago I was on a trip with a number of kids to the monkey mountain at the zoo and we saw this wonderful specimen of primate sitting right out in front of everyone playing with his little happy. He had the biggest smile and could have cared less that he was doing his thing out in front of God and everyone else who walked by. I have a friend who tells a story of watching the monkeys eating their poo, even seeing one with a long cigar like poo hanging out of his mouth. What gets me most- is that people want to be related to these happy poo eaters so bad they will believe almost anything someone says to help prove it.

So- I got to thinking about her comment and the whole evolution ‘situation’. The thought finally hit me. Maybe the only thing Darwin was looking for was an excuse for all his shortcomings. After all, if these are the creatures we evolved from, we have no choice but to act like animals? As part of human ancestry, and strictly scientifically of course, we must all have some remnant of those mischievous little monkeys running around on the inside of us just waiting to do something dumb and stupid.

I say we start a revolution. From now, anything we do that is not acceptable, we blame it on our monkey. After all, if these are the creatures we evolved from, we have no choice but to act like animals? From now on everything gets blamed on ‘our monkey.’ Evolutionists would have no choice but to accept our admission of guilt.

Show up late for work tomorrow… “Sorry Sir, it was my monkey.”
Forget to stop by the store and pick up the milk… “Sorry honey, it’s my monkey’s fault.”
Say something inappropriate at dinner… “Oops, there goes my monkey again!”
Leave the ‘privy’ seat up… “Well, what can I say- monkey problems.”
Caught playing around on the computer at the job… “I took a monkey moment- my bad.”

Just think of all the wonderfully irresponsible things we could get away with and blame on our monkeys. Because everyone comes from a monkey, none can argue the point otherwise. Irresponsibility at its absolute finest and totally validated- The great hope of evolution.

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