There is no way you could let a Mother's Day go by without some sort of hype. After all, there would be no children without a Mother somewhere. It's sort of ironic I guess... a day I would like to forget about in a way celebrates what probably defines me most.
For whatever it's worth, I'm not really a 'date' or 'day' person anyway. They never really meant anything to me. So many dates/days come and go that I often have no idea where in the calendar I am.
I can't even begin to tell how many times some well meaning person has walked up to me to tell me that they are thinking about me 'today especially' leaving my mind racing to figure out why. Split seconds later I am only reminded that- yes, another important anniversary or date has past without me even knowing it had arrived. I want to roll my eyes and say, "Thanks for nothing"... but my mother taught me to be kinder than that.
I am a memory person.
The events and moments of life that are permanently etched into the fabric of my existence define how, when, and what I remember. It's hardly a day that catches me unguarded; just moments. A moment like tonight when I noticed my blog had not been updated for almost a month. My mind drifted to my Mother's blog... still up... and still no updates.
It makes me wonder about those people that were reading her blog in other countries. I wonder if they followed her story closely? I wonder if they ever noticed it fell silent?
I remember the last time she updated... it was on my laptop. I brought it to the hospital so that she could do so. That was three years ago... wow. I didn't realize it had already been that long.
For a moment I felt very guilty for 'airing' this sort of post online. I thought I should delete it- after-all it's not very becoming of someone in ministry (my mother would probably laugh at that last sentence). I thought I could end it by telling the world all sorts of wonderful memories... but I think that would hurt too much. So... I will send out into cyber space the last Mother's Day card I every gave my mother. It was hand written... with all the raw emotions and love I still have. Here it is:
I tried to look for a card that I could give you for Mother's Day, but none of them really seemed to say what I find myself feeling this weekend. So, I decided to write something myself. I don't know why I wanted to write you a letter, it seems to be just a bunch of rambling, but I guess I just wanted to remember.
What a year we've had. Who would have ever imagined that we would find ourselves in this situation? I never thought life would turn out as it has- never. Who would have ever guessed that Dad would be gone? I miss most the times he used to tell me he loved me, or that he was proud of me. He could never do that without crying you know.
I would have never suspected that you would get cancer. Cancer is supposed to be for all those people you read about in news magazines- not you. It is so hard to believe that we have lived with it for three years now. I know more about cancer than I think I ever wanted to. Sometimes it feels like our family is on a really wild ride that has lasted for far too long with no end in sight.
Do you remember the water gun 'fight' in the house? You found some water guns at Michael's for about a quarter. You bought four and we ended up dragging the water hose into the kitchen! It still makes me smile.
I still remember the 'Asian' birthday; the one where we really didn't have a lot of money and you dressed up like an Asian cook and served us all our dinner in different courses. I don't even remember what I got that year. I just remember the meal... and drinking out of those 'gold' goblets that we used to have. Isn't it funny how your memory works?
I remember when the kitchen table on Knoll St. used to be covered with cookies and I would run some over to Beverly's house. I even remember the sour cream/cottage cheese incident with Dad.
I know that God is good. I know He loves us. I also know that when I look back, I may wish He would have allowed things to happen differently, but I can see His hand in ordering everything so that it all seemed to work out the best possible way it could have. Thank you for always being a Godly mother. Thank you for teaching me to love God and the House of God.
You have always believed in me- always supported me, and always loved me. You tell me that I am your strength but many times it is the other way around. I still need you. Sometimes I wish that I had never told anyone I loved them. That way, when I finally do, it would mean so much more.
You are a beautiful lady. I look at you and think that hidden in every line is beauty. Your strength- and yes, even in the weakest times you are strong- is part of your beauty. I want a wife who is as beautiful and strong as you. You are beautiful and I love you.